Tuesday night I filmed the last segment of this “Shower and Don’t Dress Like an Idiot” epic, which I thought would have a “harsh truths” tone but still come off with the good intentions that lie beneath it.

Then I watched it and the whole thing came off as mean-spirited, which obviously is not what I’m trying for at all. Hell, the whole mission statement of this blog-series-thing was “I’m your friend, and I love you and want you to be happy. So let’s talk this out.” Being bitchy about people’s fashion choices is NOWHERE in that statement.

So, instead, I’m going to try to do a text post where I talk about why certain clothes and accessories popular in nerd culture are generally unflattering while employing minimal snark. Well, as minimal as I can get. I am composed of 90% snark, the rest is coffee and bits of string.

This also gives me a chance to use visual aides! Which is beyond my video-edit-fu thusfar. Enjoy!

FEDORAS

I think the online backlash to fedoras is already going strong, but let’s talk about them anyway.

Why do we, as nerdfolk, find fedoras to be the dashingest of hats? Probably, it has a lot to do with guys like these:

Look at these dapper motherfuckers right here. I think subconsciously we all imagine that when a fedora is placed on our heads we are MAGICALLY FANCY. But I’m afraid that’s confusing correlation with causality. What might go wrong here?

Sometimes fedoras just don’t suit a particular person. I don’t pull off hats very well myself unless they are of the cowboy variety. The rest seems to come down to not commiting to the fedora.

Notice that in addition to a hat, all of the GQMFs above are dressed in some pretty formal shit. While I am occasionaly fond of mixing the fancy and the casual, like high heels with jeans or a pearl-snap shirt with a t-shirt peeking out from underneath, fedoras don’t work that way. I largely see fedoras in the wild atop men in t-shirts and jeans and it’s just confusing and unflattering. Example: The most modern of the above GQMFs combining fedora and casual wear:

See the difference? That is a deeply handsome man but that outfit is balls. So yeah, if you’re going out in a fedora, I strongly encourage you to go full-fancy and wear a shirt with buttons and all that jazz. Besides, dressing fancy is fun sometimes and I don’t know about you guys but I loves me a man in a suit. 

ANIMAL PARTS

You know what I mean here. Hats with ears. Those fox tails that clip to the back of your pants. This is where I think I got kinda mean in the video so I’ll just leave it at this: Personally, I think this stuff looks redonk on anyone old enough to vote, but some people seem to really like it. Maybe it’s a good way for those people to find each other and be happy together and it’s not for me to like.

Furries. I mean furries. MOVING ON.

CARGO PANTS


We all gotta carry shit. Especially those folks in the IT field. And cargo pants do seem to be the best solution for all those cables and dongles and thumb drives and such. But all that weight in pants pockets tends to mean either your belt has to be cinched so tight it’s a little uncomfortable or you are going to spend all day hitching your pants to avoid showing Dave in HR your buttcrack as you crouch to discover that his monitor is unplugged and that’s probably why it’s not working.

Also those bulgy pockets on the outside of thighs and calves are just dang unflattering unless you’re into Leifield Legs:

So what’s the answer? A bag. A good ol’ cross shoulder bag that can hold a lot of stuff. There’s $15 medic bags at most army surplus stores, or the awesome thinkgeek bag of holding on the pricier end, or maybe something a little classy if you have an awesome-paying IT gig. What I’m saying is find a bag you like to hold your shit. You’ll thank me.

And hey, if you like your cargo pants for work, wear the things. A lot of us have to wear unflattering clothes to work, and as long as you’re comfortable, keep on keeping on. Just, y’know, think about changing into jeans before you hit the town.

DRIVING/FINGERLESS GLOVES

I think this comes from anime. Yes, those gloves look good on the long, slender fingers of your average anime character, but on the normal, stubby fingers of us mortals, the cool is lost. And much like other things that look cool in anime, they’re also a bit over the top for everyday wear in the outside world. Exception: Knit fingerless gloves and armwarmers when it is actually cold outside. Those are still pretty rad.

LENNON GLASSES


A full list of people who look good in John Lennon Glasses:

1. John Lennon.

In short, Lennon had a long, narrow face and wide-set eyes. Without those features, these frames just fight whatever face they rest on, making even the loveliest folks look round-headed and cross-eyed.

FINAL THOUGHTS

All of this comes with a caveat: These are a few things I’ve noticed that seem to get over- or mis- used in nerd fashion, as it were. Just one little bear’s opinion.

At the end of the day, do what makes you the most comfortable and the most confident. If something I’ve listed here is that one thing that makes you feel like a fabulous badass when you’re out and about, by all means, ignore me.

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